Day 6:

40mg Strattera around 11am

After finishing the five days of the 20mg sample packet, I moved on to the 40mg. I’m not feeling great — foggy and drugged. About thirty minutes after taking it, my entire family was annoying me beyond description. This might be a coincidence, but I’m afraid this med might toy with my emotions way too much.

Gil and I had a huge argument, and when he finally left and took the boys to a football game, I took a two hour nap. I was hoping to sleep off my bad mood.

The good part is that once I got up, I was quite productive. I got more done in terms of house organization than I have in ages. The not so good part is that I feel edgy and irritated. This might have nothing to do with the Strattera, but I suspect that it might be a contributor. Weekends are always tough for me. The boys and I have a fairly structured routine during the week, but when Gil is home on the weekends, it often feels wild and chaotic.

The other issue that concerns me is my irritation and resentment about having to take ADD/ADHD meds. My husband has also been diagnosed with ADD, but he does absolutely nothing to manage his, so I feel like I have to take special care of myself in order to keep all the balls in the air. In Gil’s defense, he has a stressful job, so I’m certain he uses what little executive function he has to remain employed, but this in itself drives me nuts. Since we’ve had kids, he’s yielded to me on nearly everything that requires organization, particularly in our household. I get it — I’m home with the kids, at least for now, so just with basic division of labor, I suppose more household responsibilities should fall in my lap, but I am utterly dreadful at household management.

I feel like it takes everything I have just to keep our two active boys on any sort of schedule. They go to school from 8:30-noon everyday, so I have to get them there, prepare healthy snacks, meals, make sure they take naps, bathe them, keep up with the laundry, do basic household chores, grocery shop, consistently discipline them, etc., etc., etc. The list goes on and on, and Gil leaves on Sunday afternoon, and doesn’t return until Friday. I know I have it better than many single moms, but no joke, keeping my two alive and out of harm’s way is a full-time job all by itself.

The truth is, lately I’ve been so exhausted and overwhelmed that I’ve really only done the bare minimum — our house is a wreck, and quite frankly, when I have a spare minute, I’m not super-interested in scrubbing toilets.

So…now that I’m back on meds, I hope that I’ll be able to manage my time more efficiently. I can not tell you how ready I am to go back to work, but I shudder to think what will become of our home life. My goal is to get our house organized and running well enough that once I’m working again, I can hire help — housework and childcare.

I have to pace myself — I made a good lick today, and I can do more tomorrow. I once dated a guy who described me like this, “There’s no in between with you. You’re either going 100mph or you’re broken down on the side of the road.”

I’m trying to find that lovely but unfamiliar place called In Between. Is this just life with ADD? Surely I can find some balance. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and forgive myself when I fall short. Today has not been great, but tomorrow is a new day. I have to keep plugging along.