Once again I’m writing about my marriage.
Things with Gil are not good. It seems I always come back to this.
I’ve tried in every way that I know how, but I get discouraged when I look at him and know he has little ownership in our problems.
He’s made it clear over and over that he has no interest in marriage counseling, and I don’t know that I am open to that avenue at this stage.
Gil has engaged in some destructive behaviors that I’m hesitant to go into detail about on this blog. Things in this area will improve for some time, but some serious stuff in relation to these behaviors has occurred recently and is forcing me to take (once again) a serious look at staying together.
I do not want to write or talk about any of this. I want to avoid it, and I want him to change, but I’m intelligent enough to know that he will not take the steps necessary to facilitate a real change.
My fear is that we will continue until a real crisis occurs that will force him to examine his problems. I’m afraid for both of us and I have a responsibility to my children to keep them safe.
I’m sad, scared, and I feel alone. I never dreamed I’d be in the situation that I’m in, and if anyone else told me that these things were going on in their marriage, I would tell them to leave. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person, but right now I feel like a pathetic wimp.
I’m hoping that writing about some of this will comfort me and give me direction. I’m not very linear in my thinking, and when I’m under stress, I have a hard time knowing and deciding what to do first.
Thanks for listening. I am talking to my therapist, and she’s helping me with a plan, but I need a safe space to confront some of my fears, and I’m limited in how much I can tell friends and family at this point. I know that ending things will hurt both of our families terribly, and if I’m honest, this is one of the main reasons I’ve stayed as long as I have.
The other part is that in spite of Gil’s problems, he is a loving and involved father. Our kids adore him, which is another reason I’ve put this off for so long. I want to believe that we can make it work.
But…I’m tapped out. I’m tired. I recently celebrated my thirty-eighth birthday. I owe it to my kids to take care of this situation so that I can be a happy, and whole parent. Trying to fix this marriage has sucked a lot out of me, and it has taken my focus off of them.
I feel strongly that splitting up is the right thing to do, but I’m still figuring out the best way to go about it.