February had to be the fastest month ever. How is it March already? Life is moving along, and I am eagerly anticipating our family vacation in April. I need a change in scenery. My couch is entirely too comfortable at the moment. I played tennis this morning and have lacked motivation to do anything else all day. The kids are playing paintball. Gil is out running errands, which leaves a quiet house and some space to write.

The Alabama/Tennessee basketball game hums in the background. Silence would be better for writing, but I can’t seem to turn the TV off. I played basketball in middle and high school, and I love the sport so much. As an Auburn fan, I am seriously pumped for March Madness. Football has left Auburn fans beyond weary, but this basketball team is a bright spark and exactly what we need after YEARS of suffering through football season.

I have been burying my head in the sand and trying not to let the state of things in the United States contribute to a downward spiral of my already-rocky mental health. It’s a full-time job, y’all. My current med cocktail mellows me out, but the only way I can describe my current state is removed and observant. It’s not ideal. I’m watching situations that bother me, but it’s almost like I’m watching a show and I am seriously disinterested. In all my years, I can’t say that I’ve ever felt such a lack of motivation and engagement. I’m forcing myself to put some thoughts on paper because I feel so removed from my emotions. I’m not sad. I’m blank. It’s bizarre.

I’m sleeping well. I’m eating well. I played a lot of tennis last week which serves several purposes – exercise, social engagement, and being outside in nature. It also forces me to maintain a schedule. Currently, I manage our rental property. I’m grateful that I make money this way and that I don’t have to adhere to a rigid schedule, but because I’m not overly self-motivated at the moment, I need something to keep me on track. Tennis helps with this. I typically schedule matches on Sunday for the week ahead, and then I have a routine for the week. I had knee surgery just over a year ago, and I was hospitalized for a severe manic episode just under two years ago, so the fact that I am functioning as well as I am currently is kind of unbelievable. As my therapist often reminds me when I complain about not doing more, managing my mental health is a big and important job.

I’m currently reading a few books:

Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors – I’m only a few chapters in, but so far I really like it. Avery, Bonnie, and Lucky Blue are three very different sisters who are reeling from the sudden death of their fourth sister, Nicky. I love a complex family saga with unique characters and alternating perspectives. This was on hold at the library for months, and I was quite pleased when it became available.

The Danish Way of Raising Teens by Iben Dissing Sandahl – Because I have no idea what I’m doing and need all the help I can get. I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. My kids are great, and there are many parts of teendom that I love, but y’all, there are days. It can be a dark, lonely ride, and often I feel like I am screwing it all up. I know worry doesn’t help anything, and as a wise co-worker often reminded me, I really need to just give it all to God, but I ran across this book recently and thought I could use a different perspective. Of course the US is wildly different from Denmark, but Sandahl’s nuggets of wisdom, as well as her voice (I’m listening to the audiobook), is making me feel comforted and less alone.

Really Good, Actually by Monica Heisey – After a string of heavy reads, I needed light and humorous. So far, this fits the bill. Maggie’s short-lived marriage ended after only 608 days. At the ripe old age of twenty-nine, she is determined to embrace her new life. Every time I pick this book up, I laugh out loud at least once. I even love the cover – the face of a spunky red-head who I presume to be the main character with tears and mascara streaming down her face. I’ve been pulling for Maggie from the first page and look forward to watching her emerge victorious after the year from hell.

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo – A friend’s therapist recommended this book to her. I suspect I have complex trauma and think this is likely why I struggle so deeply with unresolved grief. Ever since my father’s suicide when I was twenty, I have been a hot mess, particularly when additional grief and loss is involved. It’s complicated. I’ve had good therapy. I’ve taken lots of medication that has certainly helped, but I have never really regained my footing in the world, so to speak. I still have nightmares, and every additional loss has transported me right back to the moment I found him dead in the garage of my childhood home twenty-five plus years ago. Foo’s experiences are different, but her writing is haunting and impactful. I’ve only read a couple of chapters. Reading about the childhood abuse she experienced is hard, and thankfully vastly different from my own childhood. Still, I can already tell that this book will help me. If you think you might be dealing with complex trauma, I definitely recommend this book.

Okay. I wrote some words. Even though I don’t write here regularly enough, this blog feels homey and welcoming. Thanks to those who read. I love catching up with my blogging friends. I hope the sun is shining wherever you are, and if not, I hope you’re able to find moments of joy. Today has been a beautiful day in Savannah. As I write this, I can see the sun beginning to set. The sky is clear, with blue, pink, and golden rays. I hope you all have a wonderful March!