This question has been on my mind as I have struggled mightily with my mental health over the past few months. Where is my peace? Must I simply accept that this is just how it is for me? Surely not.

I can’t be the only person who feels this way.

Not to be cryptic, but numerous things have contributed to my lack of well being. It’s tough to tweak out exactly, but in spite of good medical treatment and an entire therapy team, I’m not getting remarkably better, and frankly it’s extremely frustrating. An aside: While yes, I want to be able to account for all the reasons that I am struggling, I have to recognize and acknowledge that mental illness is not about reasons. It’s layered and complicated. However, there are things that help, and I’m writing this more to help me figure it all out, and so that I can look back when I struggle in the future.

This all started about two weeks ago. I was feeling somewhat better, and then I came down with a god-awful stomach virus. I left my house feeling fine and then found myself outside my son’s high school fighting alternating sweats and cold streaks as I searched frantically for an appropriate barf bag. I found a lovely blue canvas beach bag and retched ferociously. Good times I tell ya! My poor son didn’t know what to make of the situation. He offered to drive and then said, “I really can’t wait to get my own car.” Well guess what, buddy? I’d much prefer to be throwing up at home instead of in broad daylight as surly teens saunter by averting their eyes.

The throwing up began on Monday. I was more or less back to normal by Friday. Still, it was a rough week and didn’t help my mental health.

So this week I decided to go for mind over matter. I willed myself to do all the things even though mentally I still wanted to lounge on the couch. (Aside: I say this as someone with some serious mental health issues. I completely get that pushing through is not a solution for everyone. I take mental health very serious. If you are struggling and have no hope, reach out and get the serious help that you need.)

I woke up after a good night’s sleep Monday morning. My plan had been to start working around noon. I had a fun tennis match at 9am. It was not fun. I was clumsy and ridiculous. I’m a solid tennis player, but not today! I could feel my depression creeping in. We probably played a little over two hours. The rest of the day I just felt blah.

A major thing going on around here at the moment is the weather. Still hot. Still humid. There was a hurricane scare last weekend. Perhaps that had something to do with my mood? Hurricanes make me super stressed.

Tuesday, it rained. Super humid. Bad, bad mood. I did go to Wallace’s modern band concert, and it was amazing. Those kids are seriously talented. I think my mouth hung open in awe the entire concert. It was for sure the highlight of my day.

A big thing right now is the amount of teenage boy malarkey going on in our house. There are the smallish things like the toilet seat that has been completely ripped off the hinges. What in the actual hell? Then there are the smells. Piers is freshly 18 and a senior in high school, and he plays football. He will be looking all over the house for a certain item of clothing, and I’ll suggest that perhaps he should look in his car. Next thing I know he’ll appear with a half full gym bag. I will open it, and I can not begin to describe the level and depth of smells that are coming off of these clothes. It does something to my soul.

Then there are Piers’ future plans. He’s considering a gap year is best for him after graduation. I 100% agree that he has some growing up to do, but how about living at home and taking college classes while working at the nearby grocery? Anyway, I stayed up entirely too late Tuesday night worrying about his future plans, or lack thereof. I really don’t know how to best guide him at this stage.y

Wednesday, tennis again. The weather was slightly better. My tennis game was not better. Why am I so uncoordinated these lately? More teenage boy stuff. Wallace is now 16 – smart, talented, attends a high performing arts school. YET….he’s missing numerous math assignments. WTF, Wallace? Just do your work already. This sort of ish simply never stops.

This is just the tip of everything going on, but it is all wearing on me if I’m honest.

There’s the constant worrying that my meds are not working and the fear that I may have to change it all up again, which brings on a lot of anxiety. The good news is that I am sleeping. A biggie because if I don’t sleep I will end up back in the hospital.

I’m going back to my doctor next week. In the meantime, I’m trying to drum up some motivation. I drove across town to get my hair cut yesterday. The salon was a new place that a friend recommended, and I really liked it. What I liked more than anything was the kind way in which the stylist interacted with me. That sort of thing makes such a difference. She looked at my hair, my skin, my style and really took it all in. She was warm and genuine. She was complimentary. I think more stylists should use this approach. Lord knows I needed it in my delicate state.

Last night Wallace had Homecoming, and Piers had a football game. A friend and I dropped Wallace off and then met Gil at the game. It was fine. I enjoyed being outside and the little bit of social interaction. I stayed out too late and found myself in bed between 11:30 and midnight. Not ideal. My mind was racing. I decided to read.

This could be an entire post in itself, but I really think I need to be more mindful of the books I read during these depressive spells. I’m currently reading Stephen King’s 11-22-63. Wallace, Gil, and I do something we call Family Book Club. The three of us pick a book and read it at the same time. We discuss it while we’re reading it and then have a big discussion once we’re finished. This book has over 800 pages. The audio is over 30 hours long. Shoot me, please. I love this little family ritual, and it helps and inspires Wallace to read (he typically listens to the audiobook.) Wallace is my dyslexic kid, so we’ll do almost anything that will push him to read. He’s studying film at his arts school, and he loves any and everything Stephen King. I can’t deny King’s ability to tell a story, but this book is not grabbing me even though I’m over 300 pages in. I do have hope! This book gets excellent reviews.

While I was awake, my Libby library app alerted me that one of my holds was available. It was The Housemaid by Frieda McFadden. I’ll give it to Frieda. Her books grab you from the get-go. I was hooked. Now the only problem is balancing the two books. I rarely read more than one book at a time, yet here I sit. Update: I finished The Housemaid. I’ll give it three stars. Entertaining for sure. I’m moving steadily through Stephen King now. It’s hard to breeze through 900 pages, but I’m making solid progress and finally enjoying it.

Well, I started this post well over a week ago. The weather is less drab, and I enjoyed a rather boring but pleasant fall break with my teens. I’m working hard to be patient with myself and understand that the waxing and waning is a large part of living with a mental illness.

I wish all of you a happy fall. I hope that whatever frame of mind you’re in, that you are being kind to yourself. If there’s anything I’ve learned on this life’s journey, it’s to try my best to start each day with gratitude and to speak loving words to myself. Additionally, I try to meet myself wherever I am. Some days that looks like pushing myself towards some sort of action; other days it looks like more rest and ease. The world can be hard. It’s important to give ourselves love. It’s much more of a guarantee than always expecting that love to come from other people. Try it and see how it works!

How is your October going? What are you up to these days?