I’m here, writing again. It’s going to be painful, arduous, non-flowy. It always happens this way after a break.
I haven’t been okay for some time now. I mean, physically I’m okay. And really, I’m managing…but I’m far from thriving.
The world and the lens from which I view it is that hazy gray color and significantly muted. In many ways it’s like morning before I put my contacts in. Blurry. Lacking crispness. I know I need clarity, but what I really want is to crawl back in bed.
Our latest move has been a challenging one. It’s been over two years now, and I’m only beginning to recognize and admit to myself all the difficultness (where are the real words?! Mercy geez!), reflect on the situation and do the necessary work to bring myself back to fine. Is that kind of like closer to fine? Actually I AM closer to fine than I was last year this time. Now the Indigo Girls will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Moving on…
I’m slowly beginning to feel that I can problem-solve. I hate problem solving…actionating as I like to call it. I love brainstorming and the reach for every possibility. It’s the honing the multitude of ideas into something workable that is more challenging.
My mind is like a circus with oodles of color and options out the wazoo typically…but over the past year or so…the brightness and hope and excitement I typically feel thinking of every possibility has gone away. It’s been a little jarring and scary but I’m better.
Speaking of action… I had an organizer friend over yesterday. Dana is a rockstar boss who has a serious gift for actionating. The girl executes like no one I’ve ever met, and after my first three-hour session with her I’m feeling hopeful that I can dig myself out of the disorganized mess that has gradually evolved over the past couple of years while I’ve been sorting out other shit. I’ll be talking about this a lot more very soon.
I also have a therapy appointment today at 11:30.
It’s all going to be okay, but I’m having to dig out of the haze of meds that haven’t worked well (again!) and have more or less only allowed me to stay upright while allowing me to avoid avoid avoid. It’s always been a delicate balance – meds and me. They help in one area but not others. The calming ones are occasionally necessary…but make it easy to ignore some very basic daily tasks. After months of this…shit falls apart. Take this however you want. I can’t articulate well at the moment.
I’m finally reading again. Here are a few books I’ve loved lately; maybe I’ll talk about them soon:
Open by Andre Aggassi
Wonder by RJ Palacio
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
The above are books I’ve actually completed — no, that’s a lie – still working on Wonder — but each of these grabbed me in ways I’m still processing. Gil and I have a running joke between us since Wallace’s last trip to the brain doctor who harped a tad much on Wallace being a “slow processor.” Gil and I have since determined that we both process various bits of info slowly as well. Now when he asks me about something arbitrary (or otherwise) and I don’t have a definitive answer…or even words (a rarity for me but the norm of late), we just whisper, “slow processor…work with me.”
Now that I’m back writing – something my therapist insists I do as I’m healing – these posts are gonna be messy. Commas will be all over the damn place and rarely in the correct one. Creating links feels like entirely too much, so yeah…maybe eventually I’ll get there again…but not today.
I’ve missed you, blogging friends. How are you? What are you loving today? What are your ‘areas of development’? – (Does anyone hate that phrase as much as I do when a higher-up interrogates you in yearly work reviews?) Perhaps that’s just me. Tell me something. Anything. Whatever you feel is relevant in your current day that you feel like sharing. I’m serious. I’d love to hear it.