Drastic Measure Time

/ Viv@Grief Happens

I’m here, writing again. It’s going to be painful, arduous, non-flowy. It always happens this way after a break.

I haven’t been okay for some time now. I mean, physically I’m okay. And really, I’m managing…but I’m far from thriving.

The world and the lens from which I view it is that hazy gray color and significantly muted. In many ways it’s like morning before I put my contacts in. Blurry. Lacking crispness. I know I need clarity, but what I really want is to crawl back in bed.

Our latest move has been a challenging one. It’s been over two years now, and I’m only beginning to recognize and admit to myself all the difficultness (where are the real words?! Mercy geez!), reflect on the situation and do the necessary work to bring myself back to fine. Is that kind of like closer to fine? Actually I AM closer to fine than I was last year this time. Now the Indigo Girls will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Moving on…

I’m slowly beginning to feel that I can problem-solve. I hate problem solving…actionating as I like to call it. I love brainstorming and the reach for every possibility. It’s the honing the multitude of ideas into something workable that is more challenging.

My mind is like a circus with oodles of color and options out the wazoo typically…but over the past year or so…the brightness and hope and excitement I typically feel thinking of every possibility has gone away. It’s been a little jarring and scary but I’m better.

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Speaking of action… I had an organizer friend over yesterday.  Dana is a rockstar boss who has a serious gift for actionating. The girl executes like no one I’ve ever met, and after my first three-hour session with her I’m feeling hopeful that I can dig myself out of the disorganized mess that has gradually evolved over the past couple of years while I’ve been sorting out other shit. I’ll be talking about this a lot more very soon.

I also have a therapy appointment today at 11:30.

It’s all going to be okay, but I’m having to dig out of the haze of meds that haven’t worked well (again!) and have more or less only allowed me to stay upright while allowing me to avoid avoid avoid. It’s always been a delicate balance – meds and me. They help in one area but not others. The calming ones are occasionally necessary…but make it easy to ignore some very basic daily tasks. After months of this…shit falls apart. Take this however you want. I can’t articulate well at the moment.

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I’m finally reading again. Here are a few books I’ve loved lately; maybe I’ll talk about them soon:

Open by Andre Aggassi

Wonder by RJ Palacio

Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

The above are books I’ve actually completed — no, that’s a lie – still working on Wonder — but each of these grabbed me in ways I’m still processing. Gil and I have a running joke between us since Wallace’s last trip to the brain doctor who harped a tad much on Wallace being a “slow processor.” Gil and I have since determined that we both process various bits of info slowly as well. Now when  he asks me about something arbitrary (or otherwise) and I don’t have a definitive answer…or even words (a rarity for me but the norm of late), we just whisper, “slow processor…work with me.”

Now that I’m back writing – something my therapist insists I do as I’m healing – these posts are gonna be messy. Commas will be all over the damn place and rarely in the correct one. Creating links feels like entirely too much, so yeah…maybe eventually I’ll get there again…but not today.

 

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I’ve missed you, blogging friends. How are you? What are you loving today? What are your ‘areas of development’? – (Does anyone hate that phrase as much as I do when a higher-up interrogates you in yearly work reviews?) Perhaps that’s just me. Tell me something. Anything. Whatever you feel is relevant in your current day that you feel like sharing. I’m serious. I’d love to hear it.

 

8 thoughts on “Drastic Measure Time”

  1. Having someone to help you organize your physical environment is a good call. That sort of thing can really boost your creativity and energy levels. There’s no more of that negative self-talk about how can I possibly write when I can’t even find my fill-in-the-blank. (Many things go into that blank with me.) For me, it’s actually easier to be super-organized or I can’t find anything. Cell phone, wallet, glasses, keys–the list of things that can keep me from walking out the door seems to grow longer all the time.

    Anyway, the shot to my self-esteem from Getting Something Done is worth all the time I spend on it and then some. Don’t know if it will help you, but I offer it here in case it does. 🙂

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  3. I’m currently watching two magnificent black swans on the lake in the rain. Just gently swimming along and occasionally stopping to put their heads down to feed then slowly moving on gracefully again.
    They have this beautiful energy about them, just doing as they need to and letting all else go on by. A very meditative way of being. I think today is a good day to meditate and ask spirit for some guidance in life.
    Try a gentle breathing with your eyes closed and ask for some guidance. You may be surprised in what comes up. And be gentle with yourself, nothing can be stronger or more satisfying than giving that inner love to yourself, to give you faith and hope in you ❤

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  4. I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time. I know how it goes, and recognize what you mean when you say the colors are muted. I’ve had recent days where it was all I could do to get out of bed. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. If you’re not taking any, maybe an antidepressant? I send you cyber hugs and tell you to hang in there. We only have two choices in life: move on or quit. And as you know quitting is not an option. I hope you keep writing as you come out of this latest episode.

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