I have to get my anxiety under control. I’m just not sure how to do this. After years of seeing therapists and psychiatrists, I have no confidence whatsoever in any “expert’s” ability to adequately treat this condition.
Am I so far in the weeds right now that I can’t think straight and make a decision on the best way to move forward?
Everything feels chaotic.
For example, this morning I couldn’t even walk into Whole Foods and browse. I felt like I was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack in the parking lot. Seriously!!? What is wrong with me? It’s a grocery store, a nice one at that, and my panic makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever.
I thought this was getting better, and it was for awhile, but inevitably it pops up out of what seems like nowhere.
The long weekend was just that — long. I tend to get anxious when our family gets out of a routine. This happens to a degree every single weekend.
At the same time, the weekday routine also puts me in a panic.
Last week I just couldn’t seem to get a grip. I was flitting from one activity to the next and not making much progress with any project I started. This is not new — anyone who is even remotely familiar with ADHD can understand that adults who have this have a difficult time staying on task. I hate to admit this about myself, but I get VERY bored with routine, yet I need it desperately in my life.
That last sentence and the fact that this is what I chronically struggle to balance (the right amount of stimulation with the right amount of structure/routine) is exasperating to say the least.
Last week was kind of stressful, and after the ordeal on Thursday, I was moody. I decided to turn things around by picking the boys up from school and heading to the beach. We are a happy bunch when we’re there. The beach is one of the few things that consistently helps all of our moods. Luckily, we can be there in forty-five minutes.
Gil’s office is about halfway between our house and the beach, so we picked him up on the way. The four of us enjoyed a leisurely dinner at the beach, and then Gil and I watched the sun set as the boys played and expended some of their wild, little boy energy. It was a great way to start the long weekend.
So on Friday, we left the beach late, and instead of going back to get my car, we left it in the parking deck, and I rode in to work with Gil this morning to pick it up.
My plan had been to do some grocery shopping and run a few other errands while I was in Savannah. We live on the outskirts where our grocery shopping is limited, so this was a good opportunity to pick up certain items that are hard to get closer to home.
Truthfully, my anxiety started much earlier this morning. We left the house at 7:15, and I hadn’t had breakfast or coffee, and I ran out in flip-flops — not great for shopping.
Then, on the drive over, Gil and I got into a long discussion about bunk beds that we’re considering for the boys. He wants to build, and I’d rather buy something. His building projects drag on forever, and I’m ready to get this done. We began talking about specifics but ended up in a drawn-out conversation/counseling session about how these building projects never go the way he says they will. We end up mad at each other for different reasons. He feels like all I do is criticize while I feel like he has no respect for my need for something to be done in a timely fashion. I’ve suffered through enough of these projects to know that this one will take longer than planned, and there will be a mess.
And yes, I realize that I sound like an unbending and unsatisfiable wench, but nothing sends my anxiety through the roof like projects that involve power tools, nails, and a 5 year old and a 4 year old who get into EVERYTHING.
We’ve had several incidences where the kids have gotten into tools that Gil has left out. Luckily the injuries have been minor, but I have to stay on high alert because Gil doesn’t pay attention and assumes everything will be fine.
I seriously digressed, but that was the summary of our twenty minute drive this morning. When I was getting into my car, he calmly asked if I’d rather price bunk beds and find something in our price range to at least consider.
I agreed that I would look around and see what I could find. The other part that stresses me out is that Piers’ birthday is this week. All he has asked for is a desk and a globe. The bunk bed idea sprung from the desk request, and we came up with a design that incorporated a desk. We’re planning to take him to a nearby amusement park this weekend. Don’t even get me started on what those places do for my anxiety, but he asked to do this instead of having a party, so we agreed. I’ll do anything to not have to have a party.
Again, planning kids’ birthday parties is one of the very worst things for me in terms of anxiety. And the worst part is that this makes me feel like a terrible mother. Also, since I feel guilty, I end up blowing the bank for their birthdays because I want to make up for my inability to have a normal birthday party like a normal parent.
I have to stop. I have a gazillion other things on my mind this morning, and I have to get out of that ruminating in my head and commit to some action.
I think the first step might be getting a doctor’s appointment, which is what I’m going to do right now.